Of the Numerous Healing Powers of Chocolate (Part 1)

Chocolate is God's way of making up for inventing Justin Bieber; it's also the single greatest edible substance in the history of humankind. In this blog (which is only part 1) I will list certain chocolate creations, along with a description, random ideas, and ratings for each.

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Whoppers

Whoppers, named after the comedianne, Whoopi Goldberg, are chocolate-coated malt balls. To be clear, malt balls are not moth balls, though I have actually heard someone refer to them as such...I never corrected that person because if you're that oblivious, you deserve to eat moth balls and suffer.
There really aren't many great ways to enjoy Whoppers other than eating them right out of the box. You can, however, substitute your breakfast cereal with Whoppers, or you could crush them and make a line of chocolate to snort (literal "nose candy", if you will).
Their malted innards provide a unique texture for the roof of your mouth, but they are far too easy to get sick off of. Out of five stars, Whoppers get 3.
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Hershey's Swoops
What's less healthy than a bag of chips coated in chemicals, synthetic flavoring, and enough sodium to choke an elephant? A small package of chips made out of pure milk chocolate.
Swoops came into being a few years ago, and apparently they've been discontinued (for all I know they were banned). Either way, stores don't sell them. This is bad, because Swoops are to chocolate what Lady Gaga is to music---they're that good.
Swoops should not be modified for any reason, nor should they be integrated into recipes. They should be eaten just as they are, since only then can your mouth experience Chocolate Nirvana.
Banned = bad. Literal "choolate chip" = good. Out of five stars, Swoops get 6.
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Raisinets

I thought I already commented on these in a previous post. Maybe, maybe not. Raisinets are very, very good. They would be good FOR you, seeing as they contain a lot of raisins...but those raisins are coated in a thick protective shell of chocolate, so all health benefits are null and void.
Raisinets can be paired with chocolate milk, or you can replace the raisins in Raisin Bran with them.
They're super-cheap everyhere except movie theaters (then again, what isn't), but they're spelled "Raisinets" instead of the more obvious option "Raisinettes", which really bugs me. Out of five stars, raisinets get 3.5.
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Nesquik
Nesquik is extrememly unhealthy, no matter what the packaging says; I should know, I consumed enough of it throughout my lifetime to feed the entire continent of Africa, with enough left over for those little bitchy starving kids in West Germany.
Nesquik is mixed with milk, obviously, but it can also be eaten in its pure powdered form; be warned that doing this will kill you...I only survived because I can't die.
The rabbit on the box is symbolic of mind control in relation to governmental takeover of the entire array of edible substances, which is super-exciting. Out of five stars, Nesquik gets 3.
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Milk Duds

Milk Duds were invented by German dentists who desired to create a product that was both irresistable and detrimental to proper oral hygiene. Milk duds are sugar, chocolate, sugar, sugar, chocolate, sugar, and also sugar; they also never dissolve, and once they latch onto your teeth, you will never ever be able to get them off.
Milk Duds should be eaten with milk...just plain milk. NEVER EVER heat milk duds for the purposes of eating: they get unnaturally hot in a matter of seconds, and Milk Duds in a melted state wreak more havoc on the mouth than a toothbrush made of wire bristles could ever accomplish.
Because of their sheer indestructibility, Milk Duds get 4.5 out of 5 stars.
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Hershey's Chocolate Syrup

If you're going to mix chocolate with milk, syrup is a much better option than powder. Syrup can also be used to flavor ice cream or any other edible item you deem worthy...powder would taste terrible on ice cream. That's just common sense.
The downside to chocolate syrup is that if you eat the entire carton in a matter of hours, you will die. Again, because I am immortal this does not apply to me; however, I did try it and I slept for at least 30 out of 48 hours. It was bad.
Along with milk, Hershey's Chocolate Syrup is very good with Cocoa Pebbles, or a bowl of melted chocolate chips. Or you could do what I did when I was younger...use your parents shot glasses to down dozens of tiny servings of chocolate syrup as fast as you possibly can. For the memories and the headaches, Hershey's Chocolate Syrup gets 5 out fof 5 stars.
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Hershey's Milk Chocolate

Ice T is the O.G., or Original Gangsta, because he did it first and he did it best. The Hershey Bar is like the Ice T of chocolates, except it's a lot darker and more badass than Ice T...and it's chocolate and not a rapper.
You know those old Coke bottles you see decorating restaurant walls? How about those vintage fur leg warmers you found in your attic? Or maybe those half-pennies that served no purpose, but people in the old days were too damn dumb to realize it? Hershey's is old-school, too.
You can use the Hershey Bar in pretty much any context you want: melt it, freeze it, add it to your orange juice, use it as the meat-cheese-& lettuce portion of your sandwich, make a smore with it, build tiny chocolate hauses, fashion it into a pair of glasses, use it as soap...the list is quite literally endless.
For that, the Hershey Bar gets 10 out of 5 stars.
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Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans

If you like coffee and chocolate, & always dreamed of a way to combine the two but you just couldn't figure out how...A) you're a dumbass (seriously, just put a coffee bean in one hand, a chocolate chip in the other, then put both items in your mouth at the same time and chew, & B) you're in luck, some crazy genius thought of a way to do it.

As it turns out, if you cover coffee beans with chocolate, the world won't end, despite what the public may think. What actually happens is the combination tastes good.

But don't eat too many because coffee beans aren't the best thing to gorge on. They can easily make you sick, and they really aren't worth getting sick over.

Out of 5 stars, Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans get 3.